Somewhere along the way, we may have learned that we should strive to be perfect.
Perhaps we were given a lot of attention and praise when we did well at school or won an award, and as a child, we then developed the belief, "I am loveable for what I do" rather than "I am loveable for being who I am."
For many of us, it is often so deeply engrained in our thought patterns and behaviours that we don't notice how much control and influence it has over our lives – that is, until we stop, get curious and observe.
How do we know when the 'Perfectionist' is in the driver's seat?
Our behaviours may feel more like an obsession with the thinking, "We have to be perfect or else."
The 'Perfectionist' belief often boils down to "I am not enough." So, all of our energy goes into the quest to become enough - by being perfect in EVERYTHING.
'The Perfectionist' (the part that feels less than) will go over and above, only soothed when acknowledged for how much we do.
As a result of spending so much of our lives holding onto this belief, our inner perfectionist might still be in full swing, and we may even think that it's just "who we are," absorbed as part of our identity.
But is it?
Brene Brown says it best…
"Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It's a shield...."
The problem with perfect is it doesn't exist.
So, it becomes a never-ending quest that can create anxiety and increase shame and guilt.
A good question to ask ourselves is:
Does being a perfectionist enhance my life? Or does it stress me out or create anxiety?
The good news is that we can choose to change at any given time.
How do we soothe and reassure our inner perfectionist?
We stop and go inward.
We take time to be present and get to know ourselves.
We notice our behaviours with compassion.
You may have memories of what it was like for you as a child and where this behaviour started. You may want to journal or take time to reflect. You may have feelings that show up in your body as you are exploring this.
Stay with the feelings. THIS is your Inner Child, the part of you longing to be understood and feel at peace.
As we continue to go inward and connect with our true essence, we may notice we are connecting to love within that has nothing to do with being someone other than who we are.
Explore. Be Curious without judgment.
When we take this time to reflect in a compassionate way something within our soul starts to awaken. It is a way of being with ourselves and our life.
It takes gentleness and consistency.
It is not a race we have to win; there is no finish line. There is no A+ or fail. The journey is our moment-to-moment practice.
I have often shared stories about my great-niece Maya who is 5 ½. She continues to bring so much joy into my life and is one of my best teachers, showing me what it looks like to be who she is. She helps me to spot my inner perfectionist or areas where I do not fully love myself.
A while back, we were drawing and being creative. We both drew rainbows. I told Maya how beautiful hers was, and she replied without hesitation, "Yes, it is."
Then I looked at my rainbow, and my perfectionist said, "Those lines are crooked. It doesn't look good. Make another one." I was almost ready to scrap my creation and start again when another part of me said, "No, this is perfect the way it is. Don't change a thing."
I listened. How freeing.
I have it in front of my desk where I can see it, and the more I look at it, the more I love it exactly the way it is. When I look at it, it reminds me of the beauty of imperfection. It is my creation.
As Brene Brown says, 'It is perfectly imperfect.'
We are all unique creations. No one else is the same as we are. And therein lies the beauty of humanity.
With loving kindness,
Diane