Through the years meditation and I have had our ups and downs. We’ve run hot and cold. Now, after years of trials and tribulations, I’m happy to share that meditation and I are in a really nice place.
The big reasons why meditation and I are in sync is that I have learned two very important things:
1) Acceptance
2) Letting go of the need to control my meditation
These have been big lessons for me and it’s not always easy. But coming to understand that my practice is ever changing and choosing to be present for whatever shows up has taken away the pressure of thinking my meditation needs to look or feel a certain way in order to be worthwhile.
When I first heard about meditation, I was both intrigued and intimidated.
Thoughts like “I’m too stressed. I have too many thoughts to meditate” filled my mind. I saw pictures of people sitting cross-legged looking so peaceful and Zen. This just wasn’t me and a part of me was wishing it could be.
Then I took the plunge.
I remember one night I was at a meditation circle, learning a new meditation technique. After the meditation we were all given an opportunity to share what our meditation was like or what meditation had brought to our life.
As we went around the circle people were sharing how much space they felt, the silence and peace, it felt vast, they loved meditation. I didn’t have a clue what any of them were talking about!
‘Peace, Space.’ What?! The more I listened to people sharing the more irritated I got. My meditations felt like complete chaos - like cars driving in rush hour, honking, swerving in and out. There was a lot of noise and very little silence.
When it came to be my turn to share, the words tumbled out. I shared how busy and irritating my meditation was. I said since I started meditating, I’d had more thoughts and meditation was ruining my life. Yes, I was a bit dramatic!
I felt relief that I said it out loud. It was my reality.
The teacher appreciated how real I was. She also said I most likely didn’t have more thoughts but that I was simply becoming aware of all of the thoughts I’d been thinking all along. She also said when we meditate, it can bring up emotions or stresses in our body. It’s not always peaceful.
This was good news as far as I was concerned.
After I shared my frustration and received this feedback, I felt reassured I wasn’t a complete failure. I was ok. My meditation was ok.
So, I began again and again and again.
It became clear that judgment of my meditations is what created the problem – not the meditation itself.
I was constantly expecting my meditation to be a certain way, and if it wasn’t the way I wanted it to be it was bad.
We can put a lot of expectations on ourselves, needing people, life, and our meditation to be exactly as we want it to be. How does that usually turn out? Not good, right?
We can be quick to label a meditation as good or bad. Whenever someone says to me, that they had a bad meditation more often than not what they’re saying is it’s bad because they had lots of thoughts, or they were fidgeting, or it just wasn’t peaceful.
This is not a ‘bad’ meditation. This is meditation.
It’s not always comfortable to sit with ourselves but meditation is not about being comfortable. A spiritual path is not about being comfortable. It is the willingness to be with what is.
Like any skill it takes consistency. It takes practice.
With meditation there is no A+ or F and for the perfectionists in the crowd this can be a tough pill to swallow.
But we show up, we practice to the best of our ability, and we learn to accept that each meditation is exactly what it was meant to be.
It’s called a meditation practice, not a meditation perfect for a reason.
Meditation has changed my life. It’s hard to put it into words. My gratitude runs deep. It has connected me to the greatest love of all – the love within my heart.
I’ve had many teachers over the past thirty years and one of my greatest teachers is my great-niece, Maya. Maya teaches me all of the time how to be present, curious, real, and connected to my true essence. She also loves to meditate.
One day Maya made a meditation circle from her stones and crystals and sat in the middle to meditate. Her Mom found her in the middle of the circle meditating and took this photo.
When I saw this picture of her it warmed my heart. She is our future.
It doesn’t matter what our relationship has been with meditation in the past. This is a new moment, and each meditation is a new meditation. If we approach it with a beginner’s mind, we let go of expectation and we learn to appreciate what is.
With loving kindness,
Diane