Last week I had a great conversation about boundaries with a group of women. We shared how, while we may know that setting boundaries is a good thing, it can be difficult.
Where do we start?
With ourselves. Right here in the now, by developing self-awareness.
We feel greater self-love when we take time to be with ourselves and develop a deeper connection to our true essence. We honour who we are, and change begins from the inside out.
Sometimes it can be easier to point the finger outward and make it about others. We may care a lot about what people think, or we want to please people; we want everyone to like us.
For most of my life, I had no idea what boundaries were. Unknowingly, I overstepped people's boundaries and vice versa.
I remember when I was first self-employed. For years I didn't have good boundaries in place with my clients. I could never say no. A client called to say they were struggling and needed to see me immediately. So, what did I do? I would rearrange my schedule or work on the weekend to accommodate their needs.
Here's the thing that I've realized, establishing healthy boundaries is a form of self-care.
When we feel we are enough, we start to act and make decisions that align with our well-being and what our soul longs for. We understand how we want to relate to others and how we want others to connect to us.
When we prioritize ourselves and our needs, we are showing love and respect towards ourselves and showing others how to love and respect us in return.
Over the years, I have developed healthier boundaries because I have a deeper connection to Self. I have greater self-worth. The two go hand in hand.
Today if I know someone is struggling and needs my support, I will do what I can to accommodate them and still hold tight to my boundaries. Still, I will not overextend myself to help someone else.
How often do we overextend ourselves and feel exhausted, depleted, and resentful?
A powerful question to ask ourselves is, what part of me said 'yes' when I wanted to say 'no'? Was it the people pleaser, good girl/boy, or is there part of us that wants to be liked and needed?
As children, our families teach us boundaries by what we see and hear and our role within our family. There may have been good boundaries displayed or no boundaries at all.
Perhaps you had a role of taking care of others at a young age, and you weren't allowed to play and have fun like the other kids. So as an adult, it is always about others. You might have the belief that it's selfish to put yourself first. You can never say no, and you are last on the list.
Maybe you received praise and acknowledgement when you were a good girl. Your Inner Child is still looking for love today by doing rather than simply being you. So, you go over and above to receive praise.
When we have a hard time establishing boundaries as adults, our younger Self is frozen in time, still looking for love and praise at the expense of our well-being and happiness.
The following are all learned behaviours:
* Saying yes out of a desire to please, even when you'd prefer to say no.
* Feeling guilty when you set aside time for self-care.
* Failing to speak up for yourself when people mistreat you or make you uncomfortable.
It is up to us to set boundaries and value ourselves enough to take care of ourselves. People may not like it when we start to set boundaries. It might ruffle a few feathers, and it should.
Boundaries don't create walls or division. It creates respect. We are clear on what's ok with us and what's not, building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
When someone asked Brene Brown about the impact of having good boundaries she said, "I'm not as sweet. I'm far more loving."
I love this! What it says to me is the 'people pleaser' is no longer operating, and there is more room for an authentic expression of love and connection.
Remember, like all mindfulness work, boundaries are an on-going practice - a way of living. We won’t always get it right but taking steps in the right direction is empowering and leads us down the path to our truest, most fulfilled selves.
With love,
Diane