For many of us, the quest for perfection is constant and is often so deeply engrained in our thought patterns and behaviours, that we don’t even notice how much control and influence it has over our lives.
Beliefs like…
If I could just work harder, be more successful, better at finances, get in shape, be a better partner/parent/worker/friend I would be enough. People would admire or respect me.
Sometimes it can feel like life or death. “If I’m not perfect…” Then what?
The problem with perfect is this: IT DOESN’T EXIST.
The quest to be perfect is a never-ending vicious cycle that creates anxiety, guilt, shame and exhaustion. Because we are looking on the outside for validation rather than going inward to where our true sense of Self lies.
Where does the perfectionist come from anyway?
This part quite often is developed in our childhood. We learn by what we see or hear and as a result develop a belief like ‘If I am perfect at this, I will be loveable.’ And it runs deep in our psyche.
I notice ‘The Perfectionist’ comes for a visit when I am expanding and opening to new things, growing, and stepping out of my comfort zone.
How do we make a change?
When we take time to STOP and recognize that this rat race of perfectionism is not all that it’s cracked up to be, it’s a start to appreciating who we are rather than who we ‘should’ be.
It’s not about fixing ourselves or getting rid of The Perfectionist. It’s about getting curious and having compassion for the part of ourselves that has been working tirelessly for most of our lives trying to be perfect.
When I catch that inner voice, I realize I get to choose what to do next.
I like to take time to inquire deeper and ask,
‘What part of me feels this way?’
‘What is this all about?’
I love Brene Brown’s work. Here’s what she says about perfectionism…
“Perfectionism is not the same thing has striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”
When we choose to change our approach to how we handle ‘The Perfectionist’, we’re ultimately choosing the beginning of freedom and happiness. We embody ‘I am enough’ and begin the journey of being our own best friend.
So, when that pesky perfectionist turns up (and they will!) imagine sending LOVE to this part of us that feels inadequate. Because if you think about it, this is exactly what it needs, love, compassion and support.
What if, we brought more compassion and curiousity into the picture? Wanting to know more about the origin of this part of us?
I find this approach so much gentler AND effective.
We are complex beings. We have had life experiences that have shaped how we view ourselves and the world.
With love, compassion and understanding we can integrate those parts of our ourselves that have lost touch with the truth. As we do this, we start to feel and see a different part of ourselves emerge – our True Self.
Take good care of yourself.
Diane