Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, the holiday season can sometimes magnify everything happening in our lives, and we tend to feel things a little more intensely.
Happiness, excitement, busyness, sadness, and overwhelm – we’re sure to dip in and out of a few of these. If we are struggling with family relations, health (ours or someone we love), finances, and life in general, the added layer of expectations and pressure that come this time of year can be heavy-hitting.
So, this holiday season, I’m wondering if we can give ourselves the gift of self-compassion.
In the words of Kristen Kneff,
“Tender self-compassion is the ability for us just to be with ourselves as we are—in all our messiness, in all our brokenness, in all our imperfection—and also to be open to the pain of life.”
For me, self-compassion means being kind to myself when feeling stressed, not enough, or going through a challenging time. It means supporting myself like a dear friend and speaking to myself with compassion and understanding.
Self-compassion is when I hold the parts of me that are suffering; the wisdom of knowing it is a part of me that is suffering - not all of me. In those moments when I’m struggling, to try my best to be gentle. It is a practice.
For myself, learning to have greater self-compassion has been life-changing. I feel more connected to inner strength and self-love.
There is an inner knowing that “I’ve got this.”
My ability to offer compassion to myself has grown tremendously due to a traumatic event I experienced three years ago.
It’s safe to say this was one of the most painful times in my life. It felt never-ending, and it was also profoundly transformative.
I loved myself more, not less.
I listened to what I needed.
I talked to myself more lovingly.
I held myself.
I leaned into and talked to the pain.
And when I couldn’t do any of these things, that was ok too.
I also was open to love and support around me - and there was a lot! I am reminded of the day my great-niece Maya (who was 2 1/2 at the time) came up to me out of the blue and said "I want you to have my teddy bear."
How sweet is that? She was attuned to my feelings and wanted to support me in her own special way.
As I write this, my heart is touched. There is a recognition of how my sincere desire to practice self-compassion has evolved.
I feel great importance in sharing its power with all of you.
The truth about self-compassion is that it can be learned and is genuinely a moment-to-moment practice.
In our society, we have received the message that when the going gets tough, we must forge ahead, be strong, suck it up and move on.
Self-compassion is often misunderstood as a pity party, soft and fluffy, a weakness. But this is the furthest thing from the truth.
I know first-hand that genuine compassion doesn’t want to remove the pain; it wants to be with it.
Being with the pain and showing ourselves compassion can feel a bit foreign or challenging when applying it to ourselves, but the more we practice self-compassion, the more natural it becomes.
Life has taught me time and time again,
I can’t control what my next emotion is going to be.
I can’t control what my next thought is going to be.
I can’t control what other people do or don’t do.
I can’t control what may or may not happen in my day.
I can, however, stay committed to showing myself love and compassion, no matter what. There is such freedom in this. It feels light and solid at the same time, and there is so much comfort in knowing I am my own best friend.
So, how can we practice being more compassionate?
Observe Our Thoughts - If we notice thoughts are coming more from our inner critic, like, “What’s wrong with you? Get your act together.” we can pause, breathe, and ask ourselves, “Is this way of thinking bringing me closer to happiness and peace or further away?”
Reflect - Ask, “Where does this thinking come from?” Maybe it’s from our parents or other people who influenced us as a child.
Just because we have believed something, our whole life doesn’t mean it’s true.
We can choose to think differently.
We can choose to be with ourselves differently.
Be Kind – Not only to others but to ourselves. Asking, “What do I need?” rather than “What should I do?” And then we listen.
Give Permission - Allow ourselves to feel vulnerable, knowing it doesn’t mean we are less than or not good enough. It means we are incredibly strong and resilient.
When we offer compassion to ourselves, we develop a more compassionate lens through which we see all humanity. We begin to feel and experience our connectedness.
Wherever you find yourself this holiday season, I meet you there with compassion.
With love,
Diane